i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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