you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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