ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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