If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
