just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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