I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yo dont text me then not text me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
