and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
