Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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