Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
