Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
