why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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