barbara walters just said penis...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
