2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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