a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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