Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think I have vodka in my lungs
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
