shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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