Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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