im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
