Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
