You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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