even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
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Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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