I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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