I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
