yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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