first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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