Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
