I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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