btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
