I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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