I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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