I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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