I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
