I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
