you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
