i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize