pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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