I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
