You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
