alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
