I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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