After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
