good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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