Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
