I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
