well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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