I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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