either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
