so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
