is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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