fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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