Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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