I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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