If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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