is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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