i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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