It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
