He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
